Motherhood #190…The Greatest Blessing of My Life

Welcome to the world my son Isaac! We love you and can’t wait to see you grow up!

The Longest Wait

I had a vaginal birth and a pretty typical labour. I was induced at 39 weeks and 4 days due to my baby boy being big; as I had gestational diabetes. I was originally scheduled to be induced using a mechanical foley bulb catheter, which was supposed to help me dilate to 3 cm. We went to the hospital as planned but were told that I was already 3 cm dilated and the foley bulb wouldn’t do much. I was pleased as I wanted to avoid any induction by the hospital. We were given the option to have my water broken manually or to go home shower, get some rest and come back in the morning. My husband and I were happy to go home and prayed that I would dilate on my own and go into labour. The next morning I woke up and we delayed going to the hospital for as long as we could, I spent the morning bouncing on my fitness ball and walking up and down the hallway; hoping to induce some contractions.

Little Bubs was not ready to come out, he was happily kicking inside and having a ball. We arrived at the hospital around 9 am and were told that there were no beds available and to go walk around a bit have lunch and then come back. It was another chance for my husband and me to pray together in anticipation for our baby boy’s arrival. We got back to the hospital around 12:30 pm and were put in a room. We waited several hours and took advantage of the time, to walk around the hospital hallways in hopes of going into labour on my own. My family came to wish me words of encouragement and we shared a meal together.

Labour

I was checked and told that I was 4 cm dilated. I was then induced at 5:35 pm and had my water broken manually. I was given Pitocin which made my contractions start. I was not ready for what came next. I had heard stories about how chemically induced contractions are much stronger than naturally induced contractions, but I had nothing to compare it to. Long story short, I was in agony and barely had a break in between contractions, there was a beginning and it just seemed to peak and not really end. After many, many hours, I was told that it would be advisable for me to get an epidural. I was extremely against it but was told that my body was too tense, ( I was STILL 4 cm dilated) and since I hadn’t slept for nearly 20 hours, I would likely have to get a cesarean section.

I thought back to our hypnobirthing classes and remembered that births don’t go as planned and that you have to be open to different options and that the end goal is to take home a healthy baby. I was terrified and in pain but had told myself that I would put my trust in the doctors and nurses, and thank God I did. The next few hours were somewhat blissful. I was no longer in pain, I was able to relax and let myself get some rest. I was checked a few hours later and I had dilated to 5 cm, then 7 then 9.5, until I reached 10 cm and was fully dilated.

Delivery

It’s GO TIME! I was told that it was time to start pushing and I nervously looked at my husband, who was super supportive and my sister, who had given birth 4 months prior. My sister said a prayer for us and then I knew I was ready. I felt woozy from all of the fluids/IV’s that I was hooked up to but I knew one thing for sure, I was going to push my son out, even if it killed me. After almost 2 hours of pushing our baby boy arrived into the world at 1:17 a.m. Born on the 39th week and 6th day just one day from his due date. He was quite long and had the cutest cheeks and face I have ever laid eyes on. He stole our hearts from the second we saw him. My husband, Isaac and I are so blessed to be a family!

It’s true what they say, the moment you see your baby for the first time, you are in so much awe that whatever fears, pain or discomfort you experienced during pregnancy and labour make it all worth it! Thank you for allowing me and giving me the opportunity to be your mom.

Look out for next blog post which I will discuss my experience with Recovery, Breastfeeding and Months 1 to 3.

Stay strong and beautiful!

 

Our Perfect Gender Reveal!

October 8, 2017 was definitely a day to remember. My husband and I were surrounded by friends and family to celebrate Thanksgiving, our gender reveal and my birthday. It was such a heartwarming time for our little family.

As we celebrated Thanksgiving this year I was especially grateful for being blessed with our little baby and for my husband who has been kind, loving and supportive throughout our 9 year relationship. We felt so much love from our friends and family and could not ask for a better support system.

There was so much anticipation as we patiently awaited the big moment. I had a dream that it was a boy and was almost certain that I was carrying our son in my womb. My husband also thought it was a boy while my sister and her husband thought it was a girl. Either way we would be happy and over the moon as we prepared to enter into Parenthood.

 

The Reveal

My sister had baked a cake which I thought was a bit weird as when we were brainstorming ideas I mentioned that a cake was a bit boring and that it was not my first choice. Nevertheless, as the cake was placed in front of us, I couldn’t help but feel a rush of emotions ranging from happiness and excitement to pure joy and gratitude. As my husband and I stood there waiting, I could feel my heart racing. I was 22 weeks pregnant and couldn’t wait to find out our baby’s gender.

As my husband and I cut into the cake, I looked down in confusion as the knife came out with pink and green on it. As we continued to cut into the cake, we realized that it was a trick; it was a rainbow cake. Perfectly fitting, as this was our rainbow baby.

We laughed and looked over as my cousin and her husband carried over a large package and held it over us. My cousin and her son, had created a rainbow piñata which would finally reveal whether Baby D’Souza would be a little girl or little boy.

It’s a…

                                          

BOY!!!

Thank you to everyone for attending and for the continuous love and support.

We are so excited for baby’s arrival.

Have you had a gender reveal party? Did you know prior or did you find out with everyone?

Stay strong and beautiful!

Secret Pregnancy Post…Weeks 8-12

I can’t believe it…..we are nearing the end of the first trimester!

Let me just say that pregnancy hasn’t been a walk in the park for me…there are moments of discomfort and pain but at the end of the day, I know pregnancy and motherhood is a blessing.

They say it is better to announce your pregnancy after the first trimester, as the risk of miscarriage decreases after this time. It was hard to hide my pregnancy from my sister, whom I work with every day. However, I managed to keep it a secret until the ninth week.

Sharing the News

My sister, brother in law, husband and I had planned a road trip to Montreal just a short two day trip. We excitedly shared the news that we were expecting and my sister admitted she had no clue, except for the fact that I looked bigger than usual. It was such a relief having them know, as she was pregnant too.

The only thing that was kinda annoying was that my sister had such a smooth pregnancy with very few symptoms. While I had a whole list of symptoms that changed as the weeks went by. It’s actually pretty interesting how much pregnancies differ between women.

We announced our pregnancy to close family and friends in the following weeks; everyone was so excited and thrilled for us.

A recap of weeks 8 to 12:

  • got another ultrasound I was around 11.5 weeks (picture featured), we also got the Nuchal Translucency (NT) test done to see if our baby was at risk for any chromosomal defects (the test is a combination of a blood test and ultrasound that measures the amount of fluid build-up that is present behind the baby’s neck….our results were great 1 in 16,000)

Some symptoms that I experienced included:

  • morning all day sickness
  • lots of nausea and vomiting
  • migraines
  • heartburn
  • nipple and breast sensitivity
  • extreme bloating
  • gas
  • emotional and extra sensitive
  • insomnia
  • tired
  • food aversions to meats and vegetables (anything cooked in a kitchen)
  • constant metallic taste in mouth (yuck)
  • constipation

But even after all that I feel so blessed and thank God every day! Keep cooking little one!

I cannot wait to share the rest of my pregnancy journey with you…stay tuned for more.

Stay strong and beautiful!

 

 

 

Secret Pregnancy Post.. 6 weeks pregnant

Thank you God. We are pregnant!!

The last time I went in for an ultrasound I didn’t know what to expect…When I went in I was told that there was a yolk sac but no fetal pole. It was a quick appointment and I was told to come back in two weeks. Sadly, nothing ever developed and I had a blighted ovum miscarriage.

I did not want to get my hopes up this time around. I called my doctor to tell her that my tom never came; I had missed my period and that took an at home pregnancy test and for a faint plus. She quickly sent me forms to get my blood work done to ensure that I was in fact pregnant. the first set of numbers looked promising and after a follow up test three days later. it was confirmed that my hcg levels were increasing and that the embryo had implanted in just the right spot.

I booked an appointment with the nurse and kept praying that our time to become parents had come. I was so nervous and didn’t know what to expect. There was a nurse and an ultrasound technician in the room and she began the transvaginal ultrasound. It wasn’t the most comfortable but I wasn’t thinking of that at all. I was just laying there holding my breath, anticipating the words that were going to come out of the technician’s mouth.

After a couple of minutes, she looked at me and smiled. She turned the monitor towards me and said everything looked normal and that I was 6 weeks and 2 days along. She told me that there was one baby with a nice, strong heartbeat (157 BPM). I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I began to cry as I became overwhelmed with happiness. Thank you God, I kept repeating as I left the room clutching the picture of my baby close to my chest. Although it looked like a blurry blob I was so overjoyed.

As I wiped away the tears and left the office, I excitedly called my husband and told him the good news…there was a baby in my uterus and growing healthy and that he/she had a strong heartbeat. I didn’t know now to react. He was so happy as well but didn’t want to get his hopes up.

We were so happy to keeping our secret for a few more weeks before we would tell our family.

Stay tuned for my next update and remember that everything happens in God’s perfect timing!

Stay strong and beautiful!

Uniquely Me

Who Am I?

There are times when I sit and compare my life to others…I know who I want to be…but why hasn’t it happened yet? Why are other people successful and I’m not? Why does it seem like my life has no purpose?

There are times when I often ask myself these questions and ponder.

Why can’t I just commit and do it? Why am I wasting my life making lists of things to do and then not sticking to them?

After much thought and research I concluded that:

  1. I am just too lazy
  2. I am not smart enough
  3. I don’t actually want to change (this one is hard to swallow)
  4. I am too scared of what might happen
  5. I link more pain to the possibility of failing than the potential of success

It’s Up to You

I have spent the past few months reading many books, articles, watching YouTube videos and have decided that regardless of what the reason is….I don’t want to keep living my life the way I currently have.

I have practiced the habit of gratitude and prayer but obviously not consistently. I can’t seem to stick with anything. At least when it comes to building new habits and destroying old ones. I read one of the most helpful and insightful books recently called No Excuses! The Power of Self-Discipline by Brian Tracy.

I Am ME, But I Can Change

The largest key that I am missing in my life is the POWER of self discipline…I capitalized the word power because I feel it truly is a power. A power that I have been lacking and misusing. A power that I am so grateful to have discovered, even at this late stage of life. I cannot express how much I related to the questions and excuses that the author talked about. I felt like he was speaking to me….and not in a good way. I honestly want to change, I know I want to change. It’s just that I am so used to living my mediocre life. Just doing things to get by and not really actually living.

Another key lesson or power I have been learning to embrace is self respect. I can’t stress enough how much you need to learn to respect yourself before asking for respect from others. I feel like I have lost myself after I became a wife. My priorities changed and I lived for my husband. I had this mentality that if I made him happy then I would be happy. I realized that in order to be happy I must be happy, starting with learning to respect myself and living for me. If all you do is listen to the opinion of others and live by their words, you will find yourself in a spiral of confusion, identity crisis and a whole group of other negative feelings. I have recently caught myself in this predicament and am taking steps to make worthy changes. At one point, I felt like I didn’t have a voice or opinion or that anything that I did or said wouldn’t be considered, which it often wasn’t.

Now that I know that the problem lies in my subconscious I am taking active measures to change that first. Here’s to this on going journey of self change and improvement.

It took me awhile to even write this post and get back into the habit of blogging. At first, I told myself it was because I was too busy and uninspired but now I know that those were just excuses that I just used to comfort myself.

So if anything this is my comeback post, I know that if changes are to be made they will be made by me and no one else. If my life turns out a way different than what I intended, regarding things in my control, then I know that it is because of my thoughts and actions that those results are what they are.

I have learned a lot about myself these past few months. I have started to begin the practice of self love. A healthy respect for myself, which I don’t think I truly ever had. Reading and saying these things aloud, make me feel sad and pathetic but the first step is to stop lying to myself and making excuses and blaming others.

I can’t sit back and complain anymore especially if I am just living life and doing nothing. These days have been somewhat exhausting but I know I have to pull through because I have a new reason to live my best life….the best reason and motivator…a baby on the way!

Stay tuned for future posts!

Stay strong and beautiful!

 

With Loss, Comes Lessons

Life is so amazing; one minute you are so happy and in awe of its beauty and the next, it’s taken away from you and you are left to suffer, grieve, learn from it and eventually move on. This year has been a fast one to say the least.

If you asked me how I thought 2016 would turn out; I wouldn’t know what to say. Now having lived through it I can say it has been one of the best years of my life; filled with so many joys, challenges, and lessons. Starting with getting engaged on New Years Eve 2015, to getting married in September 2016. A lot has happened in the span of a year and I am grateful and truly thankful that each one of these events happened.

I was working an amazing job in Alberta and then got subsequently laid off. The lesson that I learned was the importance of family. I moved back to Ontario with my at the time fiance and was able to spend time with friends and family again. Shortly after, we bought an investment property and decided in June that we wanted to get married this year. A few short months of planning and running around to different vendors, we got married on our 8 year anniversary, September 10, 2016. A couple of weeks later, my husband and I learned that we were expecting. We were a bit overwhelmed but at the same time extremely happy and excited. I had no idea and meanwhile fell sick with the flu not once but twice, I felt so weak and tired all the time but didn’t know why. Then I took a test and everything made sense.

From the second I found out I was pregnant, I took precaution with everything I did and ate. I was sick with the flu so I couldn’t take any medication for it and just sucked it up.

As life often does, a curveball was thrown and that beautiful little blessing turned into a loss. At 7 weeks I got my first ultrasound and was told to come back in 2 weeks to see if things had progressed. Nothing happened and I was diagnosed with a  blighted ovum miscarriage and my life hasn’t been the same ever since. I was told that there was no fetal pole just an empty sac. I was prescribed Misoprostol to help move things along.

It was the worst pain ever, I thought I was having contractions. It felt like TOM cramps but amplified by 100. I wasn’t prepared for this and was caught off guard when it happened. Leave it to the doctors with poor mannerisms to act like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

After the misprostol treatment I was told there was still remaining tissue stuck inside. I was then scheduled for a procedure called dilation and curettage (D&C). The procedure left me feeling crampy and a bit sore but the worst part was that it was so close to Christmas eve; the time when I had been planning to announce my pregnancy.

I am still in the middle of processing and accepting it but I know in the end that everything happens for a reason and that God has a better plan for me.

Instead of being bitter and emotional, I am trying to approach this from a logical point of view. I don’t see this as someone being taken away from me but as an opportunity to better prepare myself for the time when it will happen.

As my heart heals, I am taking steps I need to take to get my health and mind back to a good place.

This situation has taught me so much over the past few months. I think I felt like what it would be like to become a mother and be responsible for raising a small human and teaching them to be a good person.

Of course, it still breaks my heart whenever I see a pregnant woman, baby, small child or pregnancy announcements and ultrasounds I have faith that my time to become a mother will come and I will appreciate it even more.

I also know that things can always be worse and so I am grateful as well that it happened when it did and not later in the pregnancy. From the pregnancy, I learned that I have a large cyst on my ovary and would not have known otherwise so it forced me to address this issue and to handle it before it got out of hand.

Miscarriage in any form, is a sad and unfortunate topic and situation to be in but it happens all too often and needs to be talked about more openly. When it happened to me I couldn’t help but think it was my fault and that I could have done something to prevent it; I felt like my body had failed me and I kept blaming myself.

Over the past month or so I have convinced myself to believe that God allowed this to happen so that something even greater will come of it in the future.

Have you ever experienced a loss that changed your life? Please share your story and comment.

Stay strong and beautiful!